I am by no means a writer of any kind, but I do like to write my feelings out on paper, it is sort of a release for me. But the things that I want to write, I am afraid will be found and I don’t want what I write to be found by anyone in my home.
I could hide my note books/journals, but afraid they will be stumbled upon by my son or husband or afraid of dieing and they are found and then all my private thoughts and concerns will be read and I will be thought of differently!
I have been married for almost 30 years ~ and unfortunately have really not been “in love” with my husband the last 10 or more years. (That was very hard to actually put in print!) I was in love with him at one time, and I do still love him, I am just no longer in love with him.
We have 1 child together and 2 wonderful grandchildren! Do I walk away?!? I ask myself that question everyday!!
I force myself everyday to make today be a better day than yesterday, and I truly try, then he opens his mouth with his negativity and all my hard efforts fly out the window, and I get pissed!
I guess I should start from the beginning! It’s funny, because when I think of the “beginning”, I know that I knew it then, but I thought things would be different. If I were to talk about the beginning 15 years ago, it would be totally different, because I was in a different mind set at that time!
I’ve known my husband since I was a child. Our mothers were good friends. I’d always had a crush on him for as long as I can remember, but I was 3 years younger, and was just a little girl then! My Senior year in High School, my then boyfriend/fiancé I thought was seeing someone else and I was devastated! My girlfriends started trying me get me out of the “funk” I was in and cheer me up. Long story short, they’d always known that I had a crush on my husband, so one of my girlfriends called him up, and the next think I know he is calling me!
I was so nervous and excited! I had butterflies in my stomach!! He actually asked me out on a date!!! And of course I agreed! Which was my 1st mistake, all I was doing was trying to get back at my boyfriend/fiancé, because all he kept talking about was this girl he worked with named Kris! They would go do things outside of work, but they were just “friends” So we went out to the drive-in that Friday night. I have to admit is was very awkward ~ we pretty much grew up together ~ he felt like my big brother! LOL! But, after a few dates, all was good! I decided to break up with my boyfriend/fiancé, which I did!
Not too far into the relationship with my husband, he asked me to marry him! OMG! He actually asked me!! I was still in high school! So I asked him if we could just live together 1st! He actually told me ~ “No, it’s either marriage or nothing”, so my response was “Can I think about it”
Ok that should have been my 1st clue!! Really, what girl answers a marriage proposal with “Can I think about it!” And why did he accept that answer? I had recently broken up with my boyfriend/fiancé, and honestly deep down, thought for sure that we would be getting back together, as we had broken up once before and gotten back together.
So he drives me home and of course I tell my Mom what had happened! My Mom told me to get on that phone and call him and to tell him yes! My Mom loved him! She had known him since he was a little boy, he was a good person and would be a good provider. My Mom did NOT like my ex-boyfriend/fiancé and was probably pushing me to marry my husband to get rid of the ex.
I honestly do not know what I was thinking, but I did what she told me TO DO ~ I called him and told him Yes! What the hell!! Did I not have a mind of my own! I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking! I look back now, and realize that he was very controlling! Why did I not see it then?!? Did I say yes to please my Mom? Did I say yes to get my ex jealous?
I even had a chance to get out of the “engagement”, when my ex showed up on my door step to get his engagement ring back ~ he had moved out of the state when he graduated a year before me, so we were having a long distance relationship, until I graduated, then I was going to move with him ~ so he had traveled all that way to come to my house. When he got there, I was in total shock! He begged me to come back to him!! I was so confused and I knew that I loved him ~ then my husband showed up and all hell broke loose ~ the ex left and my heart broke!
I think that was my deciding factor ~ my ex left with the ring! Would he want me back? I don’t know, because I never ran after him, I was trying to calm down my husband, saying anything I could for him not to follow him and beat the shit out of him!
2 months later, I married my husband ~ I guess I had to make the best of the decision I had made!!
I walked away from someone I loved! I think I got caught up in the moment! My boyfriend/fiancé was a state away, it was hard not seeing him, I got jealous of this new “friend” of his named Kris! What the hell had I done!
The marriage started off good, I knew that I had to make the best of it! I had gotten myself into this situation! Now, if I were the person I am today, I would have made a different choice, gone with my gut feeling and would be married to my ex-boyfriend/fiancé, not to say that would have been any better of a relationship, but I will never know!!
About a year into the marriage, I got pregnant, and just 5 months shy of our 3rd anniversary, I gave birth to my son!! I had my very own son! I loved him to death and still do!! He is my everything! I have bent over backwards to give him a good life!
Through-out my marriage, I have had to deal with:
* all my husbands drunk friends coming over to the house – hell they practically lived there
* my husband not liking any of my friends
* my husband alienating me from my friends
* his all night going out with his friends (way before cell phones, so I would be up all night worrying!)
* his controlling! always asking me “where were you” “who were you with” ~ to the point he made me feel like I was out doing something wrong! And I would start feeling bad about it!
* I shouldn’t like the people he doesn’t (even if it was my family) and like everyone he does
This is just a small list of things, believe me there is much more!
Right now the worst thing is his NEGATIVITY! Almost everything that comes out of the mans mouth is something negative! I deal with enough negativity at work, to come home and deal with it here! The other thing is that him and my son are NOT getting along. My son just went through a separation and is living with us! Not a day goes by that my husband rags on my son for the smallest things! He tries to treat my son as if he were a teenager again and tells him what to do, even how to raise his 2 children. My son is to the point that he cannot stand his dad! And that hurts my heart so much!! My husband is pushing my son away, my son doesn’t even want to be around him anymore. My heart aches everyday when my husband says some derogatory remark about my son! My son and I are very close and have always been! I almost feel that my loyalties lie with my son! I agree with some of the stuff that my husband says about my son, but the more he rags on him, the more I feel myself defending my son! My husband even gets mad at me when I go out and do things with my son! The tone of his voice is just so angry and tries to put this guilt trip on me for even wanting to spend time with him! I wish I could explain it, but I can’t! All I know is that that tone of voice goes to the core of my body and I get so tense and angry that my defense mechanism is to defend my son, even if I know that some of what he is saying is true! The tone of voice is like an “accusing” voice ~ Not sure if that makes sense!
I have for many years, pretty much lied to my husband, like he is my parent! here is an example! Before my son split up with his girlfriend of 7 years, her and I and her girlfriend went to Catalina Island for the day! While we were over there, we decided to plan a girlfriend weekend trip, because a day was not enough. I mentioned it to him when we got back, and he half listens! Which is good for me! LOL! Anyway we started planning it for 6 months later! And of course the planner that I am, I headed it up! Rented the house, collected all the money from all girls ~ by that time my son and girlfriend split up, and she decided not to go, but all in all 8 of us went. about 3 weeks before the trip, I nonchalantly mentioned it to him! Shit hit the fan! He was pissed because I was having my girlfriend and her daughter in law fly from Portland, and spend the night at our house the night before we left! Then to top it off I lied to him and only told him that 4 of us were going Me, my sister, my girlfriend and her daughter in law! I was “afraid” to tell him that my best friend – whom he cannot stand, and 3 of her friends were going to! So I swore my sister, friend and her daughter in law to secrecy!! LOL! He ended up cooling down and we went and had the time of our lives!! Then we get home, and I slip up and say something about my best friend beating us home! YIKES! See what happens when you lie . . . it always comes out!!! He was PISSED! I finally told him to knock it off, it was done and over with, we had a great time and were planning a girls trip to vegas this November! He is not happy about that at all!
Well, I have to tell you this feels really good typing this, getting things off of my chest! I should really go for now and start cooking dinner and getting things ready for tomorrow! I hope that I will not be judged by what I am writing, and hope that there may be some other women who are feeling what I am (although I would like to say I hope not, because it is not a good feeling)!
Leave comments if you would like!
Until next time . . . . . .
PurpleHeartPrincess 